Conation has It’s Place

Where does conation live?

Conation is within you. It’s not just some knee jerk reaction. Or effort that requires elbow grease. Or thing that’s isolated in your guts. It oozes out of you and bursts forth from every pore. It’s probably in your head. Your brain, specifically. That’s where scientists logically place it, because how else could it inhabit every single thing that you do?

Where do you see it?

I see it in everything I do. It’s like my shadow, yet it precedes me, and roots me as well as trails me.

I especially see it where I live.

  • It’s in the energy of the colors I put on the walls (the more intensity the more it sparks my creativity).
  • It’s in where I put things (neatly, when I’m under stress; all over the place when I’m in my groove).
  • It’s in the number of projects I have out or stuffed in closets (if you can’t seen ’em, I’m in-between ’em).
  • It’s in how healthy my plants look (their wellness shows I’m getting down time)).
  • It’s in the degree of formality with which I set the table (the more of that the less of me).
  • It’s in the compromises I make with my husband (I can’t reach where he put the spices).
  • It’s in the whimsy all around me (don’t expect me to explain).


So how do you move you from a place that is/was you? How do you leave a home that you created, that you made perfect for your conative needs, that brought you and your spouse joy? How do you leave it without leaving a part of you behind? How do you move on?

The house I’m putting behind me is the one that helped us create a nurturing environment for a blended family. It’s the nest into which I brought my newborn grandchildren. Its bedrooms housed their hundreds of sleepovers and many session of Camp Kolbe. Its  Conasium(tm), which I was compelled to build, has a 3/4 size stage, art corner,  technology oozing out of the walls, and natural light from all directions, including overhead.  It has the pond I personally lined with cement and the swiming  pool with the linear waterfall I made so  kids could swim thru it- and they called their ‘carwash’; and a wood burning oven for  individually designed over-the-top pizza creations, and the tree house my son-in-law built around the palm tree because it needed to be left it free to sway.

When I see potential buyers look at all the gardens I created and say “Looks like too much work,” and just look, not skip around the soft surface “race track” in the grandkids play ground, I realize they just don’t get it. It’s not built to their MO. It doesn’t fit how they act, react and interact in their lives.

How can I get past the past of this place I created? This place that housed my conative spirit for 18 years?

It didn’t help to think so carefully about what to do with each and everything little thing and hope family and friends would want to take this and that. It didn’t matter that I  love where I now live, and haven’t had a moment of regret or sadness about the decision to move on. 

It took getting conative — taking action — about leaving that  house before I actually moved my conative self completely out it.

Yesterday I found myself with a paint brush in hand, personally painting over the colors I had so carefully chosen. I personally took down the large magnetized white board where grandkids had posted the names of their plays and roles they played (and sometimes used the wrong kind of markers, making it messy to others’ minds). I personally chose the shade of off-white for the carpeting and walls in all the bedrooms. I personally packed up the last of the whimsy.

Now the bones of the wonderfully designed house show through. It’s ready to house someone else’s conative creativity. Mine has moved on.


Filed under Business, Education, Self-Help

2 responses to “Conation has It’s Place

  1. Kathy, I just wanted to thank you. I bought your book The Conative Connection shortly after it was published. I bought Pure Instinct some years ago but it sat on my bookshelf for years because my quick, initial assessment was that I did not like it.

    However, recently I read it and found it to be a great book also. I figure myself for a 6392, by the way. I am amused to compare our ways of thinking—similar because of the large amount of Quick Start but different because I substitute Fact Finder for your Follow Through. I thought Conative Connection was more accomodating to me (and other Fact Finders) than Pure Instinct, which I viewed partially as an explication of how you (with your Follow Thru orientation) do things.

    Conative Connection has changed my life over the years. I can’t explain how because I have simply kept Conation foremost in my mind for decades—too much to remember or explain.

    I haven’t been successful, unfortunately, but Conation has helped me survive, which was the level my life was on. I still hope for success, though I am now technically “old.”

    Earlier in my life, I read many psychology books in an attempt to find my way out the painful residue of a bad childhood. Eventually, I gave up on the entire field. I summarized the books this way: “Here is a theory of human behavior. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn’t.” I found it was better to just use common sense.

    For this reason, I was resistive to even looking at your book. But I think I had heard you on the radio and decided to “take a peek” at a bookstore. I’m glad I did. I consider you the foremost thinker of the 20th Century—because this principle you have discovered is so important.

    I have never interested a single person in Conation! Some people say, “Oh yeah, I use a system just like that called Myers Briggs, etc.” I want to say, “Yeah, it’s just like that only this one works!” That’s the incredible thing—you really nailed it! However, unless something “clicks” for a person when they read it, I guess it looks just like all these other B.S. systems.

    Thanks Again.

    • Marina

      dare i ask, you hope for success in what? bad childhood – a familiar topic with me, although like demi moor i’d prefer to call it ‘strange’. I wish no one with such a problem would ever give up.

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